If you are squeamish . . . or easily offended by slightly foul language. . . I urge you to stop reading this post immediately. Today, we will be discussing SUBs . . . and PUFs. No, I do not mean the yellow underwater kind of SUBs, or even the foot-long kind of sandwich. Nor by PUF do I mean a facial tissue or cotton ball or even one of those body cleansers sponges.

The term SUB, we believe, was coined by our friend Ellen. It stands for Shit Up the Back. PUF is something we take full-credit for . . . it stands for Pee Up the Front. I impart these definitions to you at the outset of this post, because they are the centerpiece for my blog today. Feel free to frequently return to this section if you become confused.

So, here is the first topic we will be discussing – Did you know that it is possible to poop through a diaper and up your armpit? Because that is EXACTLY what happened to my cute little Micah tonight. We’ve had quite a few SUBs over the course of Micah’s infancy, but tonight was the first time a SUB required an emergency run to the bathtub for a head-to-toe cleansing.

I had changed Micah’s diaper about 2 or 3 hours earlier, and I suddenly noticed a faint smell of poop. I had determined that he did, indeed, require a diaper change, but was hoping to wait a bit longer until after I fed him (as feeding generally prompts some poop). I stood up and walked with Micah into the other room, and I heard another mild explosion coming from his behind . . . and the telltale smile on his face that follows that sound. I knew immediately that we had another poop. Micah has actually outgrown the newborn-sized diapers and should be wearing size 1 diapers, but we still have about 15 newborn diapers left and have been trying our darndest to use them all up this week. Consequently, it doesn’t take much poop (or pee, for that matter) to cause a leakage. Once I heard this second explosion, I knew it was time to change his diaper.

Based on the sound (relatively mild in comparison to his other explosions), I did not expect an emergency situation. I walked Micah to the changing table, set up his next diaper, pulled out a wipe, and took my sweet time getting down to business. I undid the diaper tabs, and as I picked up his legs to wipe everything up . . . . I saw it. There was shit up the back . . . and up his side reaching around to his armpit!! The onesie was totally covered in poop! It kind of reminded me of the BLOB . . . it was sort of growing and swelling and taking over. The longer I waited, the more . . . encompassing . . . the poop became. I quickly realized that merely wiping and changing the diaper wasn’t an option. I began to fear that the poop would take over Micah’s entire body, and begin to take possession of the changing table. I called upstairs to Elliot to come help (and help did not arrive), and I quickly began stripping my baby down. I suddenly decided that I would have to bathe him . . . immediately. I grabbed everything needed for the bath, and brought him to the bath to finish striping him. As I peeled back the layers, the poop blob continued to expand. The entire onesie was covered. There was poop on his tummy, and all over his back, and on his feet. It had begun dripping down his arm. I moved him to the tub and started hosing him off! As we finished up the bath, Elliot finally made it downstairs to help. So, I assigned him the task of washing out the poop-laden onesie, and bringing me a fresh diaper and a change of clothes. Yes, I was quite impressed by my little guy tonight.

This is not the first SUB we’ve had – they happen on a regular basis. What I don’t understand is how does one poop out a diaper? Especially when sometimes, like tonight, there really isn’t that much actual poop IN the diaper. Is it a physics equation . . . something like the force of the expulsion times the volume of the poop with the angle of contact with the diaper surface factored in? I would really like to understand the mechanics of this issue.

Speaking of baffling physics equations, this brings me to the PUF. I do not understand how the PUF happens. Here is a typical PUF . . . Micah is sitting around happily playing in his diaper, and suddenly a wet spot appears on his stomach. I quickly realize this is urine, and run to change the diaper. I can see that the diaper is on properly, and it is not wet. Somehow, he has managed to pee out the top of the diaper without actually having ANY urine come in contact with the diaper itself! This sometimes happens moments after changing a diaper. For example, after cleaning up a SUB, we have a nice new diaper firmly attached. I am getting ready to pull down and attach the onesie when all of the sudden, there is this fountain and a puddle on the belly. I sit there looking at the top of the diaper, taking note that both sides are fastened and there are no apparent gaps. I search desperately for big gaping holes or tears in the diaper, and finding none, I wipe up the puddle on his belly. As a precaution, I re-open the diaper, note that it is dry, and seal it again. I double-check Micah for any inexplicable holes in his belly (just in case his belly sprang a leak). I quickly realize Micah has soaked his hair, the onesie, and an outfit. I quickly change his entire outfit, wipe up his hair, then put him back on the playmat . . . only to find that he has PUF’ed again – as apparent by the big wet spot on his new outfit. (NOTE – I intend to revisit the topic of how Elliot DOESN’T notice the wet spot on the belly, or the onesie, when Micah has a PUF at a later date). And no, I’m not ashamed to admit that at this point I look at him and think – “it’ll dry.” So, if you can please explain this . . . I would love to know HOW a PUF can happen. Does it have something to do with the relative density of boy urine to the diaper when erupting in that fountain-like motion that makes it possible to pass through the diaper without being absorbed? Feel free to submit your scientific proofs as explanation. Inquiring minds want to know!