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More Micah Video

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Stay tuned for today’s installment of Micah video . . . for those of you novices out there, press play (the triangle in the lower left hand corner of each of the videos).

I wasn’t ready for the call

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I’ve been cranking and complaining for weeks now about how difficult it is to get my work done, and how we need to figure out a childcare solution, and how I wouldn’t mind some free time to just get my life back and focus on my work. We have been on the wait list at 3 different daycare centers since June of last year. Today, one of them called and said they have an opening for us, immediately, for Mondays and Fridays.

After all of that . . . I’m feeling incredibly ambivalent about putting him in daycare. I guess I kind of hoped I could make it to 6 months before we had to put him in daycare. And part of me would really prefer to hire a nanny who will watch him in the house so I can come and go as I please and have him right here. But, the nanny option may not be reasonable, and we haven’t yet called any of the in-home child care centers. We are talking to a few different people about a possible nanny-share option.

So . . . back to the daycare call. I’m feeling ridiculous! We are only talking about maybe putting him there 3-5 hours on Mondays and Fridays to test the waters and see if that works for us. I should be excited, right? And yet . . . I feel kind of sad. I never intended to be a stay at home mom, but part of me is feeling that no one else will teach him and nurture him like I can. I’m so concerned that putting him in daycare this young will somehow stunt his development. I’m sure every mom goes through this. I’ve seen so many kids whose parents put them in daycare thrive – I guess it is just harder to process when it is YOUR baby. I hate the thought of him being ignored – what if they don’t talk to him or play with him enough? What if he doesn’t hear “I love you” enough? Somehow, once they are 6 months old . . . sitting up, playing with stuff, it doesn’t seem to bother me as much. But right now . . . he is still so little!

I wish I could do it all!

Oh, no – I’ve become my mother . . . and other ramblings.

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Yes, it is true – the other day I unwittingly became my mother. I was sitting with Micah, and he had all this crap around his mouth. I didn’t hesitate – in fact, I didn’t even think about it – I licked my thumb and used it to wipe the schmutz off his face. I was horrified! I immediately called my mom and confessed, but as of the other day . . . I’m one of “those” moms – and I’m now MY mom.

It is funny how we do what is familiar – I find myself saying things I know my mother said to me. Not the stuff I swore I’d never say, but the comforting things I also remember from my childhood. Some of it I haven’t thought of in years, and I never realized it could still buried in the recesses of my mind. But, somehow, the phrases are there . . . and they just naturally roll off of my tongue.

I’m kind of feeling like writing another “things I’ve learned” post and “things I don’t want to forget.” So, I think I will.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • Poop can blow out every end of the diaper . . . simultaneously. Always have a spare outfit in the diaper bag, and lots of wipes.
  • At a minimum, a diaper bag should contain: 3-5 diapers, a change of clothes, desitin (or balmex or butt paste), a receiving blanket (or other blanket for your LO to play on or get wrapped in when needed), plastic bags (preferably the biodegradable ones) for wrapping up dirty diapers when you can’t throw them out, extra formula/bottles with water OR a hooter hider if you breastfeed, a bib, an extra pacifier if you have a paci-sucker, a portable changing pad, and wipes. If your child takes medicine (like for acid reflux) always have a dose on hand, just in case! As they get older, snacks and toys should be added to the list. Let me know if you have any other “must” haves!
  • You have to experiment with the swaddle – sometimes babies like them tight, sometimes they like them loose, sometimes they learn to escape. With persistence, you can try to continually outsmart their efforts at becoming the next Houdini.
  • It is so important to get out there and connect with other mommies. Breastfeeding support groups, Mommy & Me classes, story hours, exercise classes . . . whatever you can find. I recommend checking out community centers, libraries, hospital programs, churches/synagogues, and Gymborees to find the right programs for you. Once you connect with one or two people, it is amazing how many more things you will learn – the “hot” spots to take kids, products you should try, places to play, mommy-friendly locations, daycare advice . . . and most of all, other people who are going through the same thing and just *get* it. I learned that many breastfeeding women use dressing rooms in clothing stores to go breastfeed their children. I never would have thought of that! And Nordstrom’s apparently has a baby play area – I’ve heard people spend hours there.
  • Get out of the house. Often, and sometimes alone. It can all be overwhelming when you relegate yourself to the house.
  • Be flexible. Babies are not likely to be scheduled. It is okay if they don’t do what you think they “should” be doing . . . like napping in a crib. It is more important to find a system that works for you than to do it the way it is written in a book. Set very loose goals (like making sure there is enough napping so that the baby is not over-tired) and worry less about how you are achieving them.
  • Keep trying new things. Sometimes, repeat old things that didn’t work the first time. You just never know.
  • Listen . . . to all kinds of advice . . . but take it all with a grain of salt. Sometimes, what works for some people will not work for you. But sometimes it will. Try what feels right, discard the rest.
  • Try to enjoy the time you have – it is precious, and it does pass so quickly.
  • Trust your instincts . . . you KNOW when there is something wrong, and if you get a crazy idea that you think might work, it just might.
  • Don’t be afraid to call for help . . . doctors, friends, support groups, lactation consultants, family. Sometimes you just need a break. Sometimes things that SHOULD be intuitive aren’t.
  • If you are breastfeeding, giving a pacifier or a bottle will not destroy your baby or ruin breastfeeding . . . babies are amazingly flexible if you train them to be.
  • If breastfeeding is challenging, you have 2 choices . . . . switch to bottle-feeding (and there is NOTHING wrong with that option) or push through it and it SHOULD get easier. Whatever you pick, the decision will be right for you.
  • Routines are important. . . for bedtime, for napping, etc. Routines are NOT the same as schedules. Start a bedtime routine relatively early. We started around 8 weeks. We have a baby who sleeps through the night and has since 8 weeks. Not all babies WILL sleep through the night, no matter what you do. Just keep trying. For us, I found frequent day feedings (every 2 – 2 1/2 hours) helped. We started regular feeds throughout the day, and then (once he hit his birth weight) started letting him go as long as he wanted during 1 nighttime period. We slowly started doing that for 2 stretches at night.
  • If you have a lot of evening fussiness, and feeding it away doesn’t work . . . consider that maybe your baby is tired. That was a totally eye-opening experience for us.
  • It is normal to feel like you are doing a bad job . . . to feel like you don’t know how to play with your little one, and to have days when all you want to do is give them to someone else for a little while.

THINGS I DON’T WANT TO FORGET

  • How he sits and stares at himself in the mirror – and laughs and giggles.
  • The way he smiles bigger for me than anyone else.
  • The way his eyes light up when he smiles . . . and the small dimple emerging on his cheek when he laughs.
  • How he kicks and bobs in the swaddle as he slides down his incline sleeper . . . and the ways he can Houdini out of the swaddle.
  • His surprise when he sees something that interests him.
  • The way he smells . . . just sort of fresh and sweet.
  • The cooing sounds that make my heart melt.
  • How he grabs my hands so tightly and holds on.
  • They way he grabs my hair when I’m breastfeeding him.
  • The way he tightly curls his hands up.
  • The way he kicks and fights and shrieks when he is angry or wants something.
  • The worried expression on his face sometimes when he is getting upset.
  • How he snuggles up on me as he is going to bed.
  • How he calms down when I start singing to him.

Fun Day!

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Today was a really great day . . . aside from the fact that Micah woke up at 4:00 am and wanted to nurse. I think he got himself a bit worked up with the swaddle, and I sent Elliot in to take care of it. Somehow, the visit with Elliot got Micah riled up instead of soothed, and he ended up very awake and upset. I went in and nursed him, and he fell back asleep until 8:00 am. I got up, fed and dressed Micah, then spent the rest of the morning (until 12:30) doing work (with one more break to nurse Micah at 10:00).

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but for the past few Tuesdays, I have been taking Micah over to the library. One of the librarians runs a story and song hour, and we’ve been having fun singing “Peek-a-Boo” and “The Grand Old Duke of York” and “Bouncing Baby.” Since I was caught up doing work and on a conference call, Elliot decided to take Micah over to the public library around 10:30 so he could still enjoy story hour.

Here was the only “blip” in our day. Elliot was supposed to come back immediately after the story hour so I had time to nurse Micah again and get our stuff together for our first OnesiesDC session (a 6-week program we are starting). Through OnesiesDC, we will attend 6 different kid-friendly locations, classes and activities in the area to “sample” the available options in our area. Our first session was a Singalong with Karen class. Karen offers a regular 8 week sing-along class for babies 3 months old and up. Needless to say, Elliot got a bit distracted on the way home, and decided to detour to the bank and the grocery store. It was after 12:30 when he got back, and I had to immediately grab Micah, jump in the car, and go so I could make it to class on time. Naturally, Micah was hungry, so he shrieked and screamed the ENTIRE way to class. I was pretty upset, and felt terrible that he was so hungry because Elliot didn’t get him home in enough time to nurse.

We finally got to class, and I grabbed Micah and raced inside. As I put my hand on his cute little bottom . . . I realized that Micah had poop EVERYWHERE. He was shrieking and screaming, and he was a mess. I made it inside, and before I could feed him, I needed to change him . . . from head to toe. Luckily, I had a spare outfit in the diaper bag (of course, it was a newborn size, and Micah is now wearing 0-3 months, so it was a bit small). After finally getting him changed, I nursed him during the beginning of class. Once he was clean and fed, he calmed down and was all smiles! We enjoyed the class, and we are thinking of signing up for the next session of Singalong with Karen (a few of our new friends are already attending).

After class, we headed home. I fed Micah again and he took a nice long nap while I did some cleaning. I also changed over Micah’s closets/dressers – I took all of the newborn/preemie clothing out, and I pulled all of the 0-3 month stuff out and hung it up. Elliot had to head out to a meeting, so I bathed Micah, fed him, and put him to bed. Micah had a little trouble staying asleep – he slept about 40 minutes and woke up again – I nursed him a bit more, and he seems to be out for the night.

So, all-in-all, a productive day. Tomorrow, I have more conference calls in the morning (and some work I need to finish tonight) and then I hope to head out to the breastfeeding support group in the afternoon with Micah. Hopefully, each day I’ll be able to find a bit more time to get my work done.

Next week, we are off and traveling again (for my work). We are flying out to LA for another conference (and sneaking in a quick visit with Rayna & Stuart, and perhaps my law school friend Leila, and some of Elliot’s friends). Elliot may have to fly up to Seattle for the day while we are there. Then we come back home on Friday, and on Sunday I turn around and leave for Atlanta until Tuesday night. I’ll be bringing my mom to Atlanta to help out with Micah. Wish us luck! I’m a bit nervous all of this traveling is totally going to disrupt Micah’s wonderful sleep schedule.

Happy Purim!

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Last night, Micah celebrated his first Purim! For those of you who are not familiar with this holiday, Purim is a Jewish holiday that commemorates our triumph over Haman, who attempted to massacre all of the Jews in Shushan, an ancient city in Persia. Each year, we read the Book of Esther (also known as the Megillah), which tells the story of Esther, and how she went to her husband, King Achashverosh (who did not know she was Jewish) to tell him of Haman’s plot and ask him to save her people. The King supported Esther, and ended up sentencing Haman to death for his murderous plot. Purim is a fun holiday – it is celebrated by dressing in costumes (often costumes of the characters from the Megillah) and eating hamentaschen (triangular shaped cookies filled with fruit jelly that represent the hat Haman wore). When the Megillah is recited, participants make noise, boo, and shake groggers (noisemakers) every time the name Haman is mentioned to prevent that terrible name from being heard.

Our synagogue put on quite a show – they took Billy Joel songs and rewrote them to tell the story of Purim. It was a wild event, and Micah was in awe of all the noise, people and costumes. We went over at 6:30 to go to the children’s service . . . unfortunately, the woman in charge did a horrible job. At 7:30, we headed over to the main service. Micah lasted about 1/2 hour before the stimulation became a bit much for him. I took him home, fed him, and off to sleep he went!

Here are a few pictures of us at Purim:




Don’t you just love that he has enough hair to wear a kippah? Oh . . . and I am definitely a bad mother . . . it never occurred to me to get a costume for Micah.

I took Frank to the doctor

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Just in case you were wondering, the saga of Frank has not yet come to an end. You remember Frank . . . my cranky fibroid that caused all the problems during my prenancy with Micah? Today I decided it was time to take Frank to the doctor. He has been a bit fussy again the past few weeks. I was told it would take 2-3 months for Frank to shrink back post-pregnancy, and at that time I should go in for follow up. I was told that if I do want to try and have another baby, I will probably need surgery to kill Frank. So, I figured I’d go get Frank checked out nice and early, and it would give me time to schedule my surgery when it is convenient for me, and give me plenty of time to heal before we start trying again. And no, we are not about to start trying again.

The doctor visit was great! He wants to set up a saline ultrasound for the end of the month to determine Frank’s size and location (and he will also be searching for Fiona and any children they may have). Depending on the ultrasound, he will either recommend surgery or not, and we’ll take it from there. He said that they usually recommend surgery if the fibroid is encroaching on the uterine cavity, if it is 3-4 cm or larger (at last check, Frank was just below 4 cm), and if there is a likelihood the fibroid will cause problems. Also, if there are symptoms that are sufficient to warrant surgery (and I’m having Frank pains again). Right now, barring a miracle shrinkage, I’m guessing I’m going to have to schedule surgery in the near future.

At first, the doctor looked at me like I was crazy – he was about to ask why I was coming in so early to discuss getting pregnant, and he was prepared to give me a speech about how unhealthy it is to have pregnancies back to back. Once he learned the purpose of my visit, he said it was a good thing I came in now so we can do this in a leisurely manner.

I guess I’ll be setting up a visit with the magic wand again (you know, the transvaginal ultrasound . . . I think it looks like a wand, it displays pictures of my insides, so it must be magic!). It was kind of surreal to be back there. A lot of the old feelings came rushing back the minute I pulled into the parking lot. It is hard to imagine that almost 1 year ago, we were just starting the cycle that resulted in Micah. What a difference a year can make!

I guess in a sense, I took my first step today towards trying for #2. Scary!

My day off . . . .

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Today was my first “day off” since having Micah. I was SOOO excited to have a day for me, but I was also feeling a little guilty for being so excited at the same time.

Naturally, Micah had a horrible night Friday night. We are struggling with the swaddle . . . he is big enough and strong enough now that he has a tendency to break out of his swaddle and wake himself up . . . but if we don’t swaddle him, he can’t fall asleep or stay asleep. It’s quite a dilemma! Friday night, we tried to leave him unswaddled, but he couldn’t fall into a deep sleep. After about 2 hours of running up every 10-20 minutes to adjust him and put in his paci, we decided to swaddle him. Off he went to sleep . . . until about 4:00 am (right as I was trying to fall asleep). Once again, he slid down the incline sleeper, so we had to go in and raise him back up. Of course, once we readjusted him, he was restless and tried to break out of his swaddle. We had another one or two trips in to re-swaddle him and re-insert the paci, but by 4:30, Elliot was unconscious. At 5:00 in the morning, I was ready to tear my hair out because I still had not had the opportunity to doze off yet and Micah was apparently wide awake. I decided to grab the incline sleeper and try and bring him into bed with us. I left his arms free, and tried to go to sleep.

No such luck – Micah was decidedly awake and unhappy. I thought that perhaps he realized he was hungry once he woke up, so I nursed him. About 5 minutes later, he was sound asleep. It took me another 15-20 mins, but I moved him to the sleeper, and off to sleep I went. Right on cue at 6:00 am (about 10 minutes after I’d FINALLY fallen asleep), Micah woke up again. Since he was in bed with us, I had no luck just popping the pacifier back in and hoping he’d fall back to sleep. So, I nursed him again, this time a full feeding. Unfortunately, after he ate, Micah wanted to play. He was happy and smiling, as long as I was up and talking to him. I, of course, was exhausted – that is my sleepiest time of day, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Over the next hour, Micah managed to dirty 2 diapers and keep me grudgingly awake. I woke Elliot up to take care of one of the diapers, but he could barely function. I finally got Micah back to sleep around 7, dozed off myself around 7:30, and Micah woke up at 7:45, ready to eat again! I tried putting him off for 15 minutes, but finally gave up and nursed him again just before 8:00. It was clear Micah was wide awake, so I brought him to his bedroom, changed ANOTHER dirty diaper, got him dressed, and brought him downstairs. We played and sang and cuddled (and changed another 2 dirty diapers), and around 9:00 he started to get sleepy. I placed him in the swing, and off to sleep he went for about 30 minutes.

In that time, I took my meds, made breakfast, and got together all of the supplies Elliot needed for the day and walked the dog. At 9:30, I took Micah, played with him, and woke Elliot to get ready. Elliot made it downstairs just after 10, and off they went to services. I had just enough time to get myself ready and head out for my day.

I ran up to the framing store to get Elliot’s autograped Peter Max re-framed (a belated Chanukah gift for him). I then went to my condo to meet the contractor to discuss the work we are having done there. Then, I came running back here to meet my friend to go out to celebrate her birthday! We went to the local crepe shop, and we shared strawberry and chocolate crepes . . . YUM! It is a little tradition we have shared for many, many years. After the crepes, I took a brief pumping break, and then we went to see Slumdog Millionaire. It was a wonderful movie! It was the first time I’ve been able to enjoy a movie since before Micah was born (with all the contractions and UTIs, I couldn’t sit still at a movie). After the movie, I headed back home, pumped again, and then got some cuddle time with my Micah. All-in-all, it was a great day, and definitely gave me a bit of freedom.

The pumping didn’t go quite as well as I had hoped – Micah ate 11.5 ounces while I was out, and I only managed to pump 7.5 ounces. I have heard that pumping takes time . . . my body might respond better if I developed a consistent pumping schedule for a few weeks, but I guess I’m not ready to risk that. Perhaps when I am ready to give up breastfeeding, I could try that out. In the meantime, I am trying to sneak in an extra pumping session tonight to make up for the “lost” 4 ounces – I’m so afraid of my supply crashing! Tomorrow, Elliot & I are going to see a performance of Mask & Whig group he used to perform with back when he was in college. My mom is kind enough to babysit for us! I’ll have to pump again in there, and I hope that I don’t cause supply problems doing all of this. I wish I was more of a “fountain” and could pump a ton every time I sat down. I may need to try renting the hospital grade pump again to see if that helps. In the meantime, I think getting away for a bit was an important step. Micah was so happy to see me when I came home, DH got to have some great bonding time with him, and I had a chance to miss him terribly while I was out recharging and paying attention to me.

Goal for next week – get a manicure and a pedicure. . . . and maybe a massage. And perhaps I should pick one or two days every week when I pump and hand Micah off to someone else.

25 Random Things About Me

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Many of you have seen this going around Facebook, but I thought I’d post it on this blog. Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. If you are reading this and ALSO have a blog, I urge you to post your 25 random things on your blog, too, and then post a comment here so I know to go read your post, too.

1 – I do not use public restrooms unless it is an absolute emergency. I hate germs, and I would rather let my bladder explode than go into a public restroom. Being pregnant made this quite challenging, but I still managed to avoid public restrooms to the maximum extent possible. One time, my aversion to restrooms got me into trouble when a friend who was picking me up from the airport made a wrong turn, and I ended up having to use an awful, disgusting restroom off of the GW Parkway run by the park services. Ewww!!!

2 – I hate mustard – I think it is the most abhorrent substance on earth.

3 – I think fruit and milk should not be mixed. Something about the milk combined with the acidity of the fruit changes the flavor into something . . . awful.

4 – I hate stupidity. I mean REALLY hate stupidity. I am amazed that the world contains so many stupid people.

5 – I hate seeing grammatical errors and spelling errors in e-mail communications to me. I do not understand how people cannot tell the difference between THERE and THEIR, or WHICH and THAT, or WHO and WHOM. I do not understand why people think that the word definitely has an “A” in it. I once broke up with a guy I was dating long-distance because his letters contained too many errors and it made me crazy. I told that story to Elliot the day we met, and apparently I scared him so much he spent hours composing his first e-mail to me and double-checking his spelling about a dozen times before sending it to me.

6 – I don’t sleep. Well, I sleep some, but I rarely sleep more than 4-5 hours a night, and I can go days at a time without sleeping at all. I don’t understand people who go to bed at 10:00 pm and sleep until 7 or 8:00 am. I don’t think I’ve ever slept 8 consecutive hours in my life. I once had a 2 week period in which I slept fewer than 5 hours.

7 – I’m a compulsive reader. I cannot just pick up a book and read a chapter, then put it down. If I start a book, I will keep reading it until I’m finished. I will skip plans, fail to do work, and refuse to leave the house. So, I’ve had to curb my reading in recent years so it doesn’t interfere with me being a productive member of society.

8 – I actually don’t care what other people think of me. I know I can be abrasive at times, and I generally don’t mean to offend people (okay, there are times when I do intentionally try to offend people, but I’m pretty up front about that) and I will apologize if I’ve done something offensive and it is brought to my attention, but it really doesn’t matter to me if someone likes me or not. I am perfectly fine with knowing there are people out there who do not like me.

9 – I like helping people. It doesn’t matter the kind of help . . . school work, work projects, medical issues, a crossword puzzle, family problem, volunteer work. I tend to bend over backwards to help people even though I am awful at asking for help.

10 – Family and close friends mean everything to me. I prioritize family over everything else. I would drop everything to be there for any family member in a heartbeat, because I believe that is what you do for family. No questions asked. I love my family, and I’m so lucky to have such supportive parents who would do anything for me, and a brother who also adores me – despite what crap he might sometimes say. For as much as we can drive each other crazy at times, I know that we are always there for each other. I’m also amazed every day by how our family has grown – my brother’s 2 adorable girls, and my new extended family – Elliot’s brothers and sisters-in-law and their 4 wonderful children.

11 – I am a horrible procrastinator. I hate that I procrastinate and yet . . . I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it. There isn’t anything that I do in advance. I leave everything until the last minute – I guess I must work best under pressure. It drives me bonkers that I do that.

12 – I absolutely adore being a mom, and am totally crazy about Micah. But I’ve also found it challenging because I miss myself and I’m afraid of losing me while trying to be a mommy. I’m hoping to strike a balance and be both myself and a mom.

13 – While many people do not believe this, I actually DO work for a living, even though I work from home. I am an attorney by training, but no longer practice law in the traditional sense. I am now an advocate and a policy advisor, and I work on issues that help improve access to technology for people with disabilities. My clients are all over the country. I provide advice and counseling to several federally-funded national Technical Assistance programs, I work with a number of State Departments of Education, I assist several national disability organizations, I provide advice to technology companies on the accessibility of their products, and I work with companies that manufacture assistive technology.

14 – I never thought I would get married . . . not because I didn’t believe it would happen, but because I actually never really thought I would ever want to get married. I told that to Elliot when I first met him, but he didn’t listen to me.

15 – I have an adorable dog named Nugget. She is the biggest genetic lemon in the history of dogs – there is ALWAYS something wrong with her. I call her my million dollar dog because of the fortune I’ve spent on her medical bills . . . 4 surgeries and tons of medication, trips to specialists, special diets, etc. I wouldn’t trade her for the world – I consider her my first baby, and I have no idea what I would do without her. She has been with me through some rough times in the past 11 years.

16 – I develop obsessions . . . I get fixated on something for months (or years) at a time, and that becomes my all-consuming hobby (or research project). I’ll find internet boards with information on the topic, or I keep going to buy more supplies. The past few years, my obsessions have included knitting, crocheting, cake decorating, and now breastfeeding and baby-raising. I love that Elliot takes an interest in my obsessions, and he will even feed my habit – ask me questions about what I’ve learned, or buy me more supplies (like an edible image printer). We have determined that we need a separate house for my cake-decorating supplies. And I haven’t even baked anything in a few months! Just wait for Micah’s first birthday . . . I’m already planning his cake.

17 – I’m allergic to coconut (and coconut oil). This is becoming an extremely inconvenient allergy. I have learned that all baby formula available commercially in the US contains coconut oil, and I break out into a nasty rash (and sometimes develop breathing issues) when I come into contact with the baby formula.

18 – I’m a night owl, always have been. This probably goes hand-in-hand with not sleeping, but I think the best time of day is late at night. I always laugh when people call me at 9 or 10 and say “am I calling too late?”

19 – I think obnoxious things all the time. I have a pretty good censor in my head that prevents about 95% of what I’m thinking from coming out of my mouth. So, if you think I’m obnoxious . . . you wouldn’t like me with my censor broken.

20 – I once accidentally flushed my house keys down the toilet. Fourth of July back in 1999. If I could have stuck to my no public restrooms rule, it never would have happened! It was at the Cosi in Dupont Circle, and they have single stall bathrooms. Everyone was waiting and line and using the different stalls on a first-come, first-serve basis. I ended up in the stall marked “men’s” and some drunken idiot saw me coming out, started ranting about how women were taking over the world and even the bathrooms, and he shoved me. I lost my balance, and fell back towards the toilet. As my keys were falling out of the pocket, I leaned back to grab something to steady myself . . . and found the handle to the toilet . . . and accidentally flushed it. It was terrible – I had not yet moved into my new condo, and my car was locked in the building (because my car keys were in the condo) and no one in the building knew me yet. I ended up leaving my friends because they couldn’t stop laughing at the situation (which I knew I would also find amusing in about 24 hours) and had to take the metro back to Rockville and figure out how to get in touch with my parents and have them meet me at the metro to pay the “Exitfare” so I could get OUT of the metro and spend the night in a bed.

21 – I’m a sap. I cry at all kinds of cheesey things on tv and in the theatre. It doesn’t take much to make me cry.

22 – I have a guilty pleasure . . . I watch cheesey love stories on tv (often on the Lifetime Movie Network). I can’t help it – I have to see ALL of the new ones as they come out. And I’ll watch them over and over again.

23 – I’m a feminist and I don’t think it is a dirty word. I believe that men and women are equal, that men and women are capable of doing the same things (biological functions aside) and that men and women should be paid the same amount for the same work. I do not believe all the crap about how men and women learn differently – I think societal differences influence that. I was offended when some of the feminists started saying that women do not do well in law school because women can’t learn competitively. I think PEOPLE learn differently, and some women learn well competitively and some men do, but if you don’t, well, don’t go to law school. It is a competitive field and adversarial in nature – if you can’t take it, find a different career path.

24 – Despite my strong feminist side, I have a domestic side . . . I like to cook and bake, and I like to knit and crochet – I just don’t believe I should HAVE to do any of that because I am a woman.

25 – I am not generally a very social person. I can withdraw from interactions for weeks at a time. I can’t stand being out all day and then going out at night, too. I need to go home for long periods of time to “recharge.” I very much need alone time, and miss it desperately. Facebook and other computer based communications are wonderful for me – I can keep up with people when I don’t have the bandwidth without having to interact for long extended periods. Before these things, I would lose track of friends because of all the energy it takes to keep in touch with people.

Picture Time

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Well, here is another picture post. I have so many good pictures of Micah from the last week or so that I had to share. My favorite picture, by far, is the last one . . . yesterday morning, we went in to wake Micah up at 9:00 am (yes, that is right. . . . he slept over 12 hours that night, and we had to go IN to wake him up to feed him), and I found him this way . . . on his side, arms broken out of the swaddle, paci in his mouth, and using the incline sleeper as just a pillow. I could see on my video monitor that he had slid down and broken out, but his head looked free of blanket and he was quiet, so I didn’t bother to go in and disturb him earlier. It took us another 10 minutes to wake him up! He was quite comfy and cozy. Enjoy.

The things they don’t tell you

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At the risk of sounding as if I’m complaining about motherhood, I am about to blog about all the things “they” don’t tell you about motherhood. Make no mistake – I LOVE my Micah, and I LOVE being a mommy. Micah is absolutely adorable, and I’m constantly amazed by how he is growing and developing. He has the most wonderful smile – every time I see it light up his face, my heart melts.

So . . . back to the point of my blog – the things they don’t tell you about having a baby.

BREASTFEEDING. I’ve mentioned this a bunch of times, but breastfeeding is not easy. Let’s start with the fact that latching should be easy, but it isn’t always. Then, factor in issues of supply. Then move on to the demand factor – you have to be the one completely available to your little one 24 hours a day to provide for his/her eating needs. When you are exhausted, or overwhelmed, or sick, YOU still have to be the primary one responsible for feeding your baby. It is an enormous responsibility, and there is very little feedback to reassure you that you are doing it right. Taking time off? Not really an option – even if you step away, you still have to make sure to pump enough to keep the supply up. I think bottle-feeding moms really do have an advantage because they gain far more independence and can much more easily share this responsibility with a spouse.

PLAYING. It sounds strange, but I’m never sure that I am playing with Micah enough . . . or stimulating his brain development sufficiently. Sometimes it is hard to figure out what to do, and I always feel like I am not doing enough. Other times, I just want to sit quietly with him, and I wonder if I’m wasting precious moments when I should be teaching him something. I have no idea whether we are supposed to fill every waking second (when they are not eating) with learning.

IDENTITY. I blogged about this before, but I really feel like I’ve lost myself a bit. My whole life now revolves around this little tiny life, and sometimes I feel like I’ve lost me. I’m working hard to find me again and re-establish that balance, but it is much harder than I realized.

INDEPENDENCE. I find it difficult to go out for extended periods of time. Much of this may have to do with the fact I am breastfeeding, but it is difficult to figure out how to leave Micah for long stretches of time. Even figuring out how to pump when I am out is challenging. As a result, I feel like I do not have time to get things done . . . either my work, or even spending time with friends, or getting my nails done. I know that moms are able to balance this when they go back to work, but I guess I am a bit more nervous about testing the waters because we JUST got my supply established the past few weeks, and I’m so afraid of messing it all up. My goal over the next few weeks is to figure out how to give myself some space when I need it – maybe have a few days a week that we bottle feed Micah during the day to give me a bit of a break. I am really ready to be able to take the day off and either let Elliot have a full day with Micah or ask my parents to babysit. Now that he is sleeping through the night, it would be so easy to let him stay at his Grammy and Goppy’s house overnight.

SLEEP. I’ll throw a bone to the sleep deprivation factor, although I don’t sleep much in the first place. I have to say, I did not think this would affect me at all, and I was amazed by how difficult the first few weeks were. With all of the feeding issues I was having, I really did not get ANY sleep in the beginning. They tell you to nap when the baby is napping, but if you are feeding every 2-3 hours from the START of a feed, and if the feeding takes over 1 hour, and then it takes another 15-20 minutes to pump (factoring in the setup and cleanup) . . . well, you are at 2 hours, and it is time to start over again! I would say I’m lucky – by the 2 week mark, Micah was sleeping 4-6 hours without interruption overnight, and that immediately gave me my normal sleep schedule back, so my sleep deprivation was short-lived.