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Family Dinners are Here to Stay

September 17, 2014 by Jessica

So many experts focus on the significance of the family dinner…taking time to eat together instills healthy eating habits. Taking time together to talk helps connect and ground your children. Taking time to eat together places a value on family time. Entire businesses have been built on this notion of helping families eat dinner together (check out The Six O’Clock Scramble).

I have always known family dinners are such an important tool to help build a family. Nearly every night when I was growing up, we ate dinner together as a family. It was a tradition I worked hard to continue. Unfortunately, I noticed that in recent months, in all of our rushing/hurrying, our dinner time had become…chaotic. It was a slippery slope…first I started to make quick food for the children and decided I would “eat later” when I knew what I wanted to eat. At the same time, my husband started to get home from work a bit later. This summer, I struggled with child care solutions and managing my work load, so I found myself using dinner time as a “quick minute” to hammer out some last-minute work every night. To keep my children occupied, I started to let them turn on the television during dinner. Slowly but surely, I noticed that many nights, I would sit nearby on the couch and work while they ate dinner.

Initially, I did not give much thought to this change. As summer drew to a close, I began to notice that my children were not eating well. Instead, they were distracted during dinner, letting their food sit because they became engrossed in television, and I wasn’t spending much time interacting with them. Because we were together so much of the day, I felt like I knew what they were doing, and did not need to ask. Towards the end of August, I realized that my husband was completely lost – he had no idea what was happening in any of our lives. It was then it occurred to me that our new pattern had cut off the flow of communication in our house.

Immediately, I decided it was time for a change…we would return to our roots and safeguard our family dinner. What better time for new rules than a new school year, right? A few days before school started, I announced our new dinner policy. No more television, technology, or phones. Everyone sits down together. Each of us takes a turn to speak.

Night one, there was protesting. My son screamed about watching a movie, and I calmly responded by telling him that screaming would just cost him television for the rest of the night and the next night. He quickly quieted down, and explained he did not like stopping the movie. I acknowledged that it was a change, but I promised him we would have a nice dinner, and that he would get a chance to finish his movie another time. He relented and joined the table…begrudgingly.

I started out a bit stuck…it was time for conversation! And NO ONE WAS TALKING. I realized I was babbling. I tried to ask “how was your day?” and my son said “good,” my husband said “fine” and my daughter grinned at me. Now, the panic began to set in as I wondered how to make the dinner work. As I began to question my decision, my son scarfed down his food and said “Can I go watch the movie NOW, Mom?” Just then, it dawned on me! Instead of the open-ended “tell me about your day,” I told my son that he could watch his movie after everyone had a turn to share 3 good things about their day.

Much to my amazement, it worked! My son told me his 3 things, and I asked follow-up questions. We had conversation! Everyone was excited and engaged! My daughter took her turn, too, and something else amazing happened. She really shared specific information instead of saying “I forgot.” I realized that she is often over-shadowed by her talkative older brother. Even my husband shared about his day.

Every night since then, we have been having our family dinner. No technology. No television. Share 3 things. My children respect the rules because we have been consistent. Now they pause the technology, or decline to start a movie when I tell them we will be having dinner shortly. Every night, we each take a turn sharing. A different person speaks first every night, and we all have the chance to ask questions.

So far, my little experiment is working well. My children are more focused in the evenings and have been eating more at dinner. We wrap up efficiently instead of wasting time trying to “make” them eat (also known as begging/threatening/bribing). Most of all, we laugh. Conversation at the table often sparks an after-dinner activity. Tonight, my son shared that he loved learning to play chess at his after-school enrichment. He asked my husband if he had a chess board in the house. Together they searched, and my husband found an old wooden chess board he made by hand one summer in camp in woodworking. After dinner, they spent an hour setting up the chess board, discussing the rules, and teaching my daughter. Not a piece of technology in sight.

What is family dinner in your house? I would love to hear more about your traditions!

Time to Fall Back!

October 30, 2013 by Jessica

Can you believe it? It is time to “Fall Back”…this Sunday, November 3, 2013, at 2:00 am is the end of Daylight Savings Time as we all move our clocks back 1 hour. Many parents hate Daylight Savings Time for one simple reason…it can wreak havoc on your child’s sleep schedule! While most of us remember the days of falling back giving us an extra hour of sleep, with children, it often feels that we lose an hour of sleep!

So, how does “Falling Back” impact our child’s scheduling? When we set our clocks back one hour, in theory we gain an hour of sleep because 2:00 am suddenly becomes 1:00 am…which means it is an extra hour until our regularly scheduled wake-up time! Unfortunately, most of our children cannot tell time yet. This means that they will continue to wake up when their bodies believe it is wake-up time, not when the clock says it is wake-up time…a full hour earlier than we would like. In fact, our children may be operating a full hour earlier all day long; they may be hungrier for meals earlier, or ready for bed earlier as well.

What can we do? If our children typically stay up “too late,” now is a great time to make a shift. Put them to bed a full hour earlier Sunday night (which will feel like the same time to them), and use the time change to your advantage! For most of us, however, we need to slowly shift our children into the new time by gradually shifting their entire schedule an hour later. Since we are only 5 days out, I recommend the following:

1. On Thursday morning, begin shifting your child’s schedule 15 minutes later all day. Delay the start of their day by 15 minutes, push their meals and naps (and activities if you can) 15 minutes later than usual, and put them to bed 15 minutes later.
2. On Friday morning, begin shifting your child’s schedule ANOTHER 15 minutes later all day (30 minutes later than usual).
3. On Saturday morning, begin shifting your child’s schedule ANOTHER 15 minutes later all day (45 minutes later than usual).
4. On Sunday morning, fresh with the new time change, get back on track with your usual schedule (which will, in fact, be 1 hour later than usual). Stick with it…even if your child is waking a bit earlier, or hungrier or wanting to nap or go to bed earlier, try to keep them on target with your usual schedule and give their clocks time to adjust.

What can you do to delay your children if they are waking earlier in the morning? For children over 2, you can use a clock that turns colors to signify when it is time to wake up. Simply push the clock 15 minutes later each day, then back on track once the time change hits. Tell your children that they cannot begin their day before the clock changes, and enforce it. For children under 2, if they wake early and happy, just let them sit in their crib for the extra time, and delay their first feed of the day. This may be a bit more challenging for children under 6 months, but do your best to shift their first feed of the day a bit later each day, taking more time than the 4 days if you need it. If your child wakes unhappy or calling for you, feel free to go and respond (tell him/her it isn’t time to wake up yet, or even sit in the room if you feel it is necessary)…but keep your child in bed for the extra time, save your “good mornings” and flipping lights on for 15 minutes later than usual, and delay the first feed/breakfast every day until the shift in their internal clocks takes place.

Some children do adjust really well, while others may seem a bit off schedule for 1-2 weeks. Exposing your child to sunlight for at least 20 minutes in the morning (around 10 or 11 am) will help adjust his/her clock, and making sure to pay attention to all aspects of the schedule – food, sleep, and activities – will help get you back on track quickly!

Nighttime Potty Training

October 2, 2013 by Jessica

Last night was a big night in our household…my baby, who is now 3 years and 3 months old, slept in underwear for the first time! AND she kept her underwear and bed dry! Momentous, right? I’m a little bit teary thinking we might be completely finished with diapers for my little baby…although she isn’t too young to still do adorable things like sneak out of bed and try sleeping at the top of the stairwell to wait for me (picture to the left – taken last week).

So, are you wondering, “How did you night train your daughter?” Well…I didn’t! If you had asked me five weeks ago, I would have told you she was years away from staying dry overnight. In fact, I don’t even think she had yet had a nap when she kept her diaper dry. The truth is, we really cannot night train our children. It is mostly a biological function…they have to be old enough, their bladders have to be large enough, and they have to sleep deeply enough for their kidneys to quiet and reduce urine production.

What changed for us? I think a variety of factors. First, we started to discuss staying dry with her. Initially, we simply talked about the goal of keeping her diaper dry and peeing in the potty before nap and right when she woke up. We even mentioned that she could stop wearing diapers and wear her favorite underwear to bed when she kept her diaper dry. If her diaper was wet, sometimes we would ask if she peed in her sleep or when she woke up. On occasion, I would ask her why she chose to pee in her diaper when she woke up, but usually I just got the snarky responses of “well, I just did” or “because I like to do it.” For the most part, we simply encouraged her to keep it dry. Like most older children, peeing in a diaper often leads to leaks…and when her bed, or different blankets or stuffed animals or even books, got wet, we would talk about the mess and how we have to clean it up, and maybe next time if she peed in the potty, we wouldn’t have such a mess to clean up! We never did this with any sense of anger or punishment…it was matter of fact: “Oh no! Your diaper overflowed…looks like we have to clean up again today. Let’s see what got wet…your lovey? Well, we’ll have to wash her – she may not be dry in time for bedtime tonight.”

Much to our surprise, she suddenly started to stay dry for naps about three or four weeks ago. We made a big deal out of checking to see if it was dry every day, and we continued to celebrate each and every time it was dry. We used positive reinforcement such as “You did it!” and “Aren’t you proud of yourself?” to help her see what she had accomplished. A few times we let her sleep in underwear, but she seemed to prefer having a diaper. Then, about three weeks ago, we had a night when her diaper was dry overnight! We were shocked. We celebrated and talked about almost being ready to sleep without a diaper. About two weeks ago, she started to keep her diaper dry night after night. I actually started to expect a dry diaper from her!

And then…Sunday morning. My daughter woke up, and once again, I checked her diaper. It was dry! But she told me she had peed all over her bed. When I touched her pajamas and checked her bed, everything was urine-soaked. A mystery, right? I checked to see if somehow she could have peed out the diaper, but her pajama bottoms were dry. I looked to see if she had changed her own diaper…but there was no evidence of a wet diaper anywhere. I spent hours on and off asking my daughter questions (and, like every good parent, seeking suggestions from my friends on Facebook)…and wondering if I would ever get an answer that helped me solve the mystery.

Me: “How did the pee get in your bed?” M: “Well, it just got there when I peed.”
Me: “Did you pee through a different diaper?” M: “No, mommy, pee comes through my vagina.”
Me: “Did you pee in your sleep or after you woke up?” M: “I sleep in my bed and there is pee there.”
Me: “Did you take your diaper off and pee in your bed?” M: “Yes! That is what I did.”
Me: “Wait…you peed in your bed on purpose?” M: “Yes! I wanted to keep my diaper dry.”
Me: (stunned) “Why didn’t you go pee in the potty?” M: “Well, I just didn’t.”
(repeating this question often throughout the day…) M: “I peed on my chuck pad – chuck pads are for peeing on!”

Aha! Mystery solved. In our house, we have reusable “chuck” pads…these are absorbent pads with a backer that resists urine/moisture passing through. We had gotten them from the hospital a long time ago, and initially used them when potty training our kids. When I was pregnant and getting close to my due date, I always sat on one in case my water broke! We usually have one or two chuck pads under the kids’ sheets in case of an accident. On Saturday, my daughter found one and asked to put it on top of her sheet and sleep on it. I didn’t think anything of it. Turned out…she woke up in the morning, saw the chuck pad, and decided it meant it was okay to pee on it! I quickly dispelled that notion, and decided that she should no longer have a chuck pad on top of her sheet.

Luckily, my daughter kept her diaper dry on Sunday and Monday. Last night, she asked to sleep in underwear, and I agreed, fairly certain I would be washing everything this morning. Much to my relief, her underwear was dry this morning (and her bed)! I am not certain that she is completely night trained yet (or that she will be reliable any time soon), but it is a start.

When should a child be dry overnight? For some children, it can be as young as 2 years of age (I’ve heard tale of even younger than that). For others, it may be about 5 years old. From a medical perspective, inability to stay dry overnight is not considered “bedwetting” or any kind of a medical problem or concern before they are 5-6 years of age.

My suggestion? Don’t pressure or punish your child about being wet overnight. Have open discussions about keeping the bed dry or using the potty. If they really do not seem to be ready, don’t worry about it. Celebrate the dry diapers when they happen. When you see that your child is consistently dry for about 1-2 weeks, then try allowing him/her to sleep in underwear.

If your child is snoring, mouth breathing, or is soaking through diapers and bed sheets on a nightly basis, this *could* be a warning flag for a medical sleep issue – discuss it with your pediatrician!

What is a Birth Plan, and Do I Need One?

June 1, 2013 by Jessica

Have you ever imagine your baby’s “birth” day…how you would like it to go, meeting your little one for the first time, how it should proceed? Or perhaps you are scared about birth, and you would rather not think about it to avoid the panic? Either way, having a birth plan in place can help make sure that you have some choices and input on this momentous day.

A birth plan is really quite simple…it is an opportunity for you to lay out and communicate your preferences about birth! Everything from room environment, to clothing you will wear, medical interventions you would like to accept or decline, circumcision preferences, administration of vaccinations and medication, breastfeeding initiation, people you want present, how you want the placenta delivered, when to cut the cord (and who should cut the cord), and the positioning and techniques you would like to use. A birth plan is also an opportunity for you to spell out preferences if things do not go exactly as planned (in the event of an emergency c-section). In my opinion, every woman giving birth should have a birth plan.

Indeed, many people think “I am having a scheduled c-section, why do I need a birth plan?” Even with a c-section, there are still numerous opportunities for you to express your preferences. More and more, hospitals are looking to make c-sections more mother-baby friendly. Did you know that there are also ways to make a c-section experience feel a bit more like a vaginal birth experience? You can request that the baby be placed on your chest for skin-to-skin time immediately following delivery and while they are closing you up, that you and your baby are not separated, you may request that your partner or spouse initiate skin-to-skin contact if you are unavailable, you may opt to wait for labor to start before going to the hospital for your c-section, you may request music in the room, you may limit unnecessary medical staff presence in the room, you may request more than one person to be in the delivery room with you, you may delay eye drops and vaccinations after birth, and/or you may request that they not suction your baby’s mouth/airway unless medically necessary. Early initiation of breastfeeding is often critical with c-sections – recent studies have shown that c-sections are one of the biggest barriers to breastfeeding. Developing a plan for early skin-to-skin contact and the initiation of the “magical hour” after birth, indicating your preference to keep your baby with you after the procedure, and potentially even hand expressing colostrum prior to birth for early initiation of breastfeeding can all help reduce the impact of c-sections on breastfeeding.

So, what should be in a birth plan? Birth plans can be short and simple, or long and detailed. For my clients, I generally include the following:

Environment (room, people, photography, staff, clothing)
Labor (medical interventions, induction/labor stimulation, IVs, pain management, food, movement, labor tools)
Birthing (positions, techniques, use of mirrors for viewing, partners role in catching)
C-section preferences (for scheduled or in the event of an emergency)
Cord (who will cut, when)
Placenta (when/how it is delivered, what to do with it)
Post-partum (for both baby and mother – location, feeding, medications/tests, circumcision)

There are many do it yourself birth plans out there! If you would like specific help in constructing your birth plan or understanding all the options and how they might impact you, please feel free to contact me for assistance!

The Hierarchy of Soothing

May 20, 2013 by Jessica

One of the biggest challenges for parents working to improve their child’s sleep is understanding the concept of self-soothing. Almost every client says to me “I understand that I am supposed to teach my child to self-soothe, but HOW do I do that?” I always explain to my clients that the answer to teaching a child to self-soothe lies in the “Hierarchy of Soothing.”

The Hierarchy of Soothing is just a series of stepping stones, taking us through the foundation skills for self-soothing. The most we can do for our child is to hold and feed him/her to sleep; this anchor step is about teaching a child how to be comforted and soothed and feel safe The next step along the path to self-soothing is learning to fall asleep in arms without being fed to sleep. One step removed from being held in arms is being held/comforted through externals supports (often motion), such as a swing, stroller, car seat, bouncy seat, or rocker. This step allows a child to feel comforted and lulled, much in the same way as being in a parent’s arms, but it begins to remove the direct dependence on a parent for this soothing. Graduating upwards is reliance on only touch, voice and proximity for soothing (no external supports such as motion or cradling). As we move up the hierarchy, we begin to reduce reliance on touch and transition our children to comfort through our voice and proximity. The penultimate step is to reduce proximity, using only our voice to calm or soothe our children. Finally, we reduce the reliance on our voice for support, and we have achieved self-soothing!

When I talk about sleep training, what I mean is moving up the steps that comprise the hierarchy of self-soothing to improve sleep habits. The pace with which we travel up the steps towards self-soothing is not what is important, or the exact method we use to get there. What is important is that we pick a pace that resonates with our personal parenting philosophy, suits our child’s age and temperament, and achieves the changes with a speed/urgency that matches our needs. For some parents, that means picking a technique that jumps a few stages of soothing at a quick and deliberate pace, while for others, that means a slow and gradual process, one step at a time. Making and consistently implementing decisions that steadily move up the hierarchy of soothing will ultimately lead to improved sleep habits.
The earlier we begin working with children on building the foundation steps for self-soothing, the easier the process will be. A child who is slowly introduced to each of the steps along the hierarchy from infancy will naturally learn to self-soothe. For older children, we may need to guide them through these steps, and help them adjust to breaking old habits and adapting to new ones. Along the way, children begin to develop their own ways to self-soothe. They will sing or hum or coo or chat or pat themselves on the bottom or rock or kick or suck fingers or pacifiers. As we reduce what we do for our children, we give them room to figure out what they can do to soothe themselves.

The hierarchy of soothing also helps us understand how far we need to travel with our child to achieve self-soothing. A child who is held and fed for every sleep has more steps and skills to learn than a child who simply needs a parent’s presence to fall asleep. I encourage parents who are not yet sure they are ready to make big changes to make small changes, one step at a time. Be cognizant of the hierarchy, and always try to make choices that bring a child closer to self-soothing!

Fears, Nightmares, and Night Terrors

April 1, 2013 by Jessica

One of the most challenging tasks we face as parents is handling our children’s nightmares and night terrors. As a parent, I struggle with feeling helpless when I see my child in distress. I want nothing more than to make it better and protect my child from those terrifying thoughts. As a sleep consultant, I often receive questions from parents asking what to do when they face nightmares and night terrors, and I see parents struggle with the consequences of some of their attempts to “make it better” for their child.

The first thing we must understand in order to help our children is the difference between night terrors and nightmares. It may surprise you to learn that they are not the same thing, although at first glance, they share many common characteristics. So, how can we differentiate between the two?

Night terrors are characterized by loud and intense crying our screaming that usually happens during non-REM sleep, in the early parts of the evening (generally within 1-3 hours after going to sleep). During a night terror, your child is not actually awake, and will not remember what is happening. A child having a night terror may be screaming or talking or calling out, but they do not seem to be fully there or recognize you. My daughter had a night terror once…it was absolutely terrifying! It happened about 1 1/2 hours after she fell asleep, when she was about 15 or 16 months old. It happened on a holiday – we had family in town, she barely had a nap that day, and I did not get her into her crib until after 8:30 at night. She was simply exhausted. She fell asleep almost immediately, but about 1 1/2 hours later, I heard this intense crying and shrieking. I went running up to her room, and she was standing up, eyes open, shrieking. I could tell immediately that she did not notice when I entered the room. I made the mistake of reaching for her initially, but it startled her and intensified the crying. I quickly realized it was a night terror, and I just sat with her, quietly offering shushes and supportive murmurs. All of the sudden, she seemed to “snap out of it” and look at me and called “Mommy.” At that time, I picked her up, calmed her down, and returned her to her crib. She immediately fell back to sleep, and slept through the night.

When a child is experiencing a night terror, it is actually best NOT to touch them or pick them up – as I learned firsthand, it can make the night terror more intense. Instead, calmly sit with your child, offer some very soft vocal comfort if you feel it helps. It should resolve on its own, and your child will return to sleep faster if not disturbed during the terror. Remember – the terror is scarier for you because your child is not aware it is happening and will not remember in the morning! Night terrors are most often caused by scheduling issues – insufficient daytime sleep, too late a bedtime, or too much time from the end of the last nap until bedtime. I know that after our night terror, I was extremely cautious about avoiding late nights for my daughter for quite some time.

Unlike night terrors, nightmares happen during REM sleep, more often in the middle of the night/early hours of the morning. They tend to happen more frequently as children develop creatively and can articulate their thoughts and fantasies. My son began experiencing more fears and nightmares when he was nearly 3 years old. He would wake up and tell me wild stories about monsters rising up to get him, or a bug in his room. Like my son, most children having a nightmare will usually wake and express their fears/concerns, and will remember what is scaring them. They do recognize us when we respond to them, usually immediately calling or reaching for us, and often telling us what is wrong.

Nightmares can be caused by insufficient daytime sleep or too late of a bedtime, and occasionally by foods we eat. Anxieties, and simple stories or things children hear or see may lead to nightmares, as may life stressors. To address nightmares, we must first work to improve their sleep routines (napping as appropriate, earlier bed times), and we can take steps to change their diet to avoid foods that may affect sleep. Most importantly, we can help our child feel secure and empowered. Often, giving them a way to express their fears or protect themselves from their bad thoughts can help! For us, we realized our son’s fear developed after we moved into a new house. After talking to him, I realized that when he slept with his door open, he couldn’t see the stairwell, and it made him feel like it was a big, black cavernous hole out there. We were able to put a soft light in the stairwell that allowed him to see the walls and the top of the stairwell when he looked out his bedroom door – defining the space for him made it less scary. He also loved the idea of magic, and had gotten a magic wand at a birthday party. We had him take his magic wand to bed for a while, and pick magic words he could say that would make any monsters disappear. Much to our chagrin, he picked the words “bugga bugga” (by the way…that is terrifying to hear yelled out over a monitor at 3:00 in the morning!). Other simple tips include:

Providing a magic word or a phrase they can say to protect themselves
Using an object to keep them safe (a lovey or a magic wand or a parent’s shirt)
Discussing the fears and addressing what is scaring them
For older children, leaving a pad of paper and writing implements near their bed so they can draw a picture of what is scaring them and rip it up or throw it away
Work on meditation and relaxation techniques to help your child release any fears or anxieties
Using “monster spray” around the room before bedtime to eradicate any monsters (either imaginary, or a water sprayer)
Creating and posting “no monsters allowed” signs around the room where your child believes the monsters hang out
Using a book (like The Kissing Hand) to help your child understand that you are nearby even when they cannot see you, and that your presence can help them feel safe through the use of a tool (like a kissing hand)

Please feel free to leave a comment and share any useful tips/tricks you found effective with your little ones!

Time to Spring Forward!

March 4, 2013 by Jessica

Daylight Savings Time begins on March 10, 2013…some of us will be groaning about losing an hour of sleep, while others of us will look forward to an extra hour of daylight in the evenings. But how will Daylight Savings Time impact your child’s sleep? What can you do to minimize any negative side effects?

First, you can start by preparing in advance to shift your child’s schedule later. About a week ahead of time, start shifting your child’s schedule earlier. On Monday, March 4, 2013, start waking your child 15 minutes earlier, and moving their entire schedule (meals, naps, and bedtime) 15 minutes earlier than normal. On Wednesday, March 6, 2013, try shifting your child’s entire schedule 30 minutes earlier than normal. On Friday, March 8, 2013, try shifting your child’s schedule 45 minutes earlier than normal. Finally, on Sunday, March 10, 2013, return to your regular time schedule (now on Daylight Savings Time). If you are unable to slowly adjust your child’s schedule (or lack control over your child’s schedule), it may take your child a few days to adjust. If your child wakes earlier than normal on Sunday, resist the urge to move everything earlier…delay starting your day and breakfast until your usual time, maintain the schedule for naps and meals and bedtime. Remember, if you consistently enforce the new times, your child will adjust!

Time to Honor ALL Kinds of Moms

May 13, 2012 by Jessica

Mother’s Day…a time of abounding joy, a celebration of one of the most precious gifts in life – a relationship between a mother and her children. Today is the day when congratulations, and well-wishes, and pictures of loving families and beautiful gifts are posted everywhere to spread the cheer and honor motherhood. But, amidst the excitement and cards and ads and wonder, it is easy to forget that this is a holiday that is tinged with sadness and loss for many…and I think it is time to acknowledge that grief. It isn’t the popular thing to discuss on Mother’s Day, but here goes.

It is time to honor those of us struggling with infertility and longing to be moms, who are reminded today of the emptiness that we feel as we wonder if our time will ever come. It is time to give a nod to those of us who have lost moms or those like moms to us, who are reminded of that profound loss as we rejoice in our happy memories we wish we could continue to build. It is time to observe a moment of silence for those of us who have lost their children, who find themselves longing to celebrate that special bond, but unsure how to do that with empty arms. It is time to grant some solace to those of us who have difficult and complicated relationships with our mothers, who try to honor their mothers without discounting feelings of anger, frustration or disappointment.

To be honest, I lived for many years in sheltered oblivion, seeing the wonder of Mother’s Day through my rose-colored glasses. Why not? I never had any reason to think of sadness until I was struggling with infertility. I remember the pain of my first Mother’s Day as I longed to be a mother, wondering if and how it would ever happen for us. I spent the day looking around at all the happy families, each smile a beautiful but stabbing reminder of what I feared I might never have. I tried to focus on celebrating my mother, but I was pained as I wondered if I would ever be so lucky as to have a relationship of my own to honor one day.

It was Mother’s Day 2008 when I first got a taste of the privilege of celebrating Mother’s Day as a mother…I was almost 7 weeks pregnant with my first child, Micah. I remember the joy, and excitement that rushed over me each and every time I whispered “I’m going to be a mommy!” I could barely contain my excitement as I shared the news of our pregnancy with my family, and I was excited to think that I, too, could partake in the holiday as a “mommy-to-be.” Over and over, the phrase “NEXT YEAR I’ll finally be a MOM” resounded its chorus in my head…but I never forgot that I was part of a community of women who were not yet lucky enough to be shouting that refrain with me.

I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day as a mom in 2009. I was brimming with love and excitement that day, to finally celebrate being a mom, a title I fought so hard to claim. I remember thinking that one day soon, I would hear my son call me “Mama” for the first time, and I thought of all the wonderful years we had ahead together. I remember sitting around my parents’ house and basking in the knowledge that I finally had that relationship I so desperately craved…I was somebody’s MOM. I was still actively involved in the infertility community, and when I saw posts of sadness from those mommies-in-waiting, I could again see some tarnish around the edges of Mother’s Day. My joy was not enough to eclipse the sadness I felt for those who were still waiting to cross that bridge into motherhood, wondering when and how it would happen. That weekend, I also had a friend give birth for the first time…only to lose her daughter a few short days later. A glaring reminder again about the sadness that can mark such a beautiful celebration.

Mother’s Day 2010 was perhaps the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever experienced…my whole family gathered at my parents’ house to make brunch and celebrate together. I was expecting my second child, the food was delicious, and we all simply enjoyed being together. How could the day be any more perfect? We had lost my grandmother a few months before at the ripe old age of 97, so it was the first time my mother was celebrating Mother’s Day without HER mother…ironic that I did not truly appreciate the significance of her loss that day. We took a family photo to commemorate the perfect day, and we sat around planning trips for the summer. Our gift to my mom that year was a certificate for a set of professional family photos to be taken after my daughter, Maya was born. Little did I know, that day was our last perfect day together. Two short weeks later, my mother got sick. She was eventually diagnosed with brain cancer, a glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), and she died 6 months later, almost to the day. We never did get to take those family photos we promised her.

After I lost my mother, someone recommended I read a book called Motherless Daughters. I’m certain the book is a wonderful resource…but I never could move beyond the title. Motherless Daughters. I think I object to the term on principle. I’m not a motherless daughter…I have a mother. Although I cannot see her or touch her, she is here with me, every minute of every single day. I carry her with me, I hear her voice in my head, and I share her wisdom and life lessons with my children. Maybe that is another lesson in Mother’s Day – it is a time to honor those we carry with us, and embrace their influence on our lives. Before she died, my mother was listening to an audiobook of Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie. It made her re-think death and dying, and my mother said to me that after she died, she hoped that Morrie was right, and that she was somewhere out there, floating in the ether, surrounding us, watching us, loving us, and sharing our joy. I hope so, too.

Last year was my first mother’s day without my mom, but this year was the first in many, many years that we did not celebrate the holiday as an extended family. Nevertheless, I’ve had a good Mother’s Day. On Friday, Micah came running home from school, bursting with excitement to give me the gift he made for me – a picture frame from a CD jewel case, propped up with a popsicle stick, decorated with foam sticker shapes, and a gorgeous photo of him in the center. What could be better? Elliot bought me a pair of earrings “from the kids” – a pair of trees, a symbol of life and family. We ate breakfast together, this morning, we went shopping at Costco, and we stopped at the cemetery to visit my mother.

Her headstone is finally in place…we are not officially having the unveiling for another few weeks, but it was the first time I was over her marked grave. We brought a few kibbles of dog food for Nugget (my dog whose ashes are buried with my mother), and we cut fresh flowers to place in a vase for my mother. I needed to be close to her…but hated that I could not touch or see her.

Once again, it was a sunny day, and I was struck by the beauty of our surroundings juxtaposed against the sobriety of the location. The children were too young to understand the full weight of where we were…so they smiled and laughed and played. My mother would have loved that!

Tonight, we enjoyed a quiet dinner at home. We had planned a dinner out, but we ran late all day, and opted to simplify. Today I am remembering my mother, and trying to honor her life and our relationship by enjoying my children, and trusting that she is out there in the ether, celebrating, too.

So, today I wish everyone a joyous and happy Mother’s Day. But I ask that we not forget that even this precious holiday is tempered by sadness, and I hope that we all take a moment to respect the range of mother relationships that we should honor today: mothers-in-waiting, mothers-to-be, mothers-of-loss, children-of-loss, mothers, grandmothers, and mother figures. Mother’s Day IS for all of us.

Bedtime Ritual

May 10, 2012 by Jessica

In my last post, I shared with you a little about our morning rituals, so I am sure you will not be surprised to hear that we have bedtime rituals, too.Have you ever told your toddler it is time to go to bed, and heard the immediate “NO!” response (or worse, had the temper tantrums start)? Yes, we’ve all been there…and many parents begin to fear starting the bedtime routine because of the push back. Why is it that toddlers resist bedtime? And what can we do to make the process easier?

Tonight, I was sitting around and playing with my two children after dinner (my husband was out of town). My son, Micah, was feeling musical, so he was performing a concert for us. We go to classes at Kidville, and he just loves the “Rockin’ Railroad” band (previously called the Little Maestros Band). He takes out his guitar, and he strums and sings, jumping around and performing. My daughter, Maya, is starting to become a fantastic backup singer – and Micah usually has her playing the keyboards. Here are a few videos of the musical stylings of my son….

About ten minutes before bedtime, I told Micah one more song, and then we were going to clean up and go upstairs for bed. He sang his song, I got the kids’ medications together, and we started our nighttime rituals. When I announced it was bedtime, Micah immediately said “No, Mommy, you forgot – I get 2 more minutes.” He was right…I flicked the lights, and I said “2 minutes until bedtime!” He let out a big grin, and we sang the clean-up song to put everything back together. I then announced “Okay, children, time to go to bed!” My daughter, Maya, started to protest, so I immediately began to sing our nighttime songs. First up…a song I like to call “It’s Night-Night Time.” Here are the words (I actually stole the tune from a religious song we sing called “Shavua tov” – “A Good Week):

It’s night-night time,

It’s night-night time.

It’s night-night time,

It’s night-night time.

I immediately launched into our next nighttime song – to the tune of London Bridge:

It’s time to go upstairs to sleep, upstairs to sleep, upstairs to sleep.

It’s time to go upstairs to sleep, night, night, night-night.

Okay – I never said my songs were creative…but they work! Tonight, when my protesting almost 2 year old heard the song, she immediately grinned, and ran around the room grabbing her things for bedtime (a book and her doll). She made a beeline for the stairs, and waited for me at the bottom until I launched into the London Bridge song. She climbed the stairs, and ran over to her room to set up her book in the chair for bedtime. My son ran straight for the potty, took his clothes off, and peed in the potty. If it is a bath night, the kids hop in the tub, and we wash up…but luckily tonight was not a bath night. Both children returned to Maya’s room. Micah sat on the chair and read her book while I put on her pajamas.

Normally, my husband grabs my son’s pajamas and starts getting him ready at the same time. We read the two kids a quick story, put Maya in her crib, turn off the light, and the 3 of us sing “You are my Sunshine”and close her door. We then head into Micah’s room, finish getting him ready, put him in his bed (usually read another quick story), tuck him in and give him a kiss, and sing a second round of “You are my Sunshine.” We tell him we love him, and head back downstairs.

As every teacher and child development expert will say, toddlers have a hard time transitioning – moving from one activity to the next. Schools handle this challenge by building transitions into their schedule – they use routine charts to let children know the order of activities throughout the course of school, and they frequently remind children where they are in the order of activities and what is coming up next. Teachers often give “2 minute warnings” and flicker the lights to let children know that it is time to start wrapping up one activity and get ready to move on to the next. Many preschools often use song to help trigger certain behaviors in children (almost every teacher has a clean-up song, and a hello song, and a goodbye song).

I think these same principles apply to bedtime. Children crave the predictability of routines, they need time to transition, and a good song never hurts either! Many parents create a picture-based routine chart – you can simply take a ribbon, and put velcro dots on it. You can buy cute little frames, or simple plastic frames, and put the other half of the velcro dot on the back of the frame. Take pictures (or make drawings) and every morning, attach pictures representing your daily activities. As you transition throughout the day, help your children see where you are in your schedule! Later this week, I’ll post a step-by-step tutorial on how to make a routine chart.

In our household, we review upcoming activities for our children. At dinner, we say “we are going to eat dinner, and then after dinner we’ll play downstairs, and then it will be night-night time.” As dinner is wrapping up, I again say “let’s go downstairs to play, and then we’ll go upstairs for night-night time.” When we are nearing bedtime (within 10-15 minutes), I will tell my children this is the last ___ (last game, last ride, last round of play), give them a 2 minute warning and tell them the next activity, and we love to use songs as transitions. If you struggle with nighttime battles, consider implementing some of these techniques to ease transitions for your toddler. Remember, the first time or two you introduce new patterns, it does not seem like it is becoming easier. It is the process of establishing new patterns and routines, and the consistency over time that create the triggers and responses for your children. Give the changes 2-4 weeks to become familiar and ingrained.

A little morning ritual

May 3, 2012 by Jessica

Uhhh. Thump, bump, bounce. Fwoop. Zip. Rip, rip, clunk! Pit-pat-pit-pat. Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, click!

For the past few months, as the clock reaches 7:15 am, those sounds signal the start of my day. My 3 year old son, Micah, wakes up, stretches, moves around a bit in his bed (occasionally talking to himself), then sits up. He crawls to the edge of his bed, slides off the side, then slowly stops and looks around to get his bearings. I know his routine not just simply from picturing him in my head as I hear each sound, but also because I often love to watch him over the video monitor. He quickly unzips his pajamas, rips off his diaper and throws it in the garbage before padding down the hall to our bedroom, little footsteps quietly echoing through the house. He carefully turns the handle and pops the door open, and greets me with a beautiful grin as he softly announces “Good morning, Mommy, I awake!”

(complete with Mr. Potato Head ears)

Morning rituals are a critical component to sleep – they help children differentiate between night and day, simply by reading body language and behavior. I have never been a morning person, but I truly love our morning rituals. While I still groan at the thought that it is time to wake up and start my day, I have to admit, the feeling is fleeting now, pushed aside by the beautiful, grinning, boyish face that greets me each morning. My joy increases as he bounds across the room and crawls up into bed, launching himself at me for a huge morning hug and kiss before settling down next to me for a snuggle while we wait for his sister to wake up. Sometimes we turn on Sesame Street, but mostly, I like to sit and cuddle for a bit before launching my day.

Usually, right around 7:45, my younger daughter, Maya, joins the fray. She usually makes a quiet gasping sound, starts to babble a bit (or calls out “Mommy!”), and for good measure begins to bang her feet on the wall. I don’t even need a monitor for her…I know she is awake when the walls begin to rattle. I head on in to get her (sometimes with Micah in tow), and I say “Good morning, sunshine! I’m so happy to see you!” Maya now responds and says “Good morning, Mommy.” I usually stand by the side of her crib for a few minutes, and we play a game of sorts as she hides from me while I try to convince her to stand up so I can lift her out of the crib.

When she is ready, she stands and collects her pacis, her book, her lovey, and occasionally her baby doll, and I carry the entire menagerie to the changing table. If I send my husband in, Maya tends to start yelling “Not you!!” at him, so for now, morning wake up is usually all me. I change Maya’s diaper (and she instructs me as to which diaper she would like to wear and whether or not she would like diaper cream), and we pick out an outfit for the day. We then walk over to the crib, leave her pacis and lovey there for later and say “bye, bye” to them. Maya then usually says “I go see Daddy, Micah and puppy CC,” so we head back to the bedroom to say good morning to everyone. A few moments later, we gather together and head downstairs.

Micah usually likes to play (or beg for the tv or iPad) first thing in the morning, but Maya likes to get her sippy cup of milk and sit at the kitchen counter in a chair to help me make breakfast. I negotiate with the children about breakfast (Micah yells “eggs!” while Maya yells “not eggs, not eggs!” until I announce something profound like “French toast it is!” – which occasionally send them both into fits of hysterics). I do my best to keep a general order to our morning…breakfast, play time, getting dressed, departure for school/babysitter/activities. I tell them our plans for the day to help them prepare and transition, and I give them 2 minute warnings before we end each phase and move on to the next. I often feel as if I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off as I prepare breakfast, get my husband to walk the dog, pull lunch together, dress the children, shower and dress myself, wrangle the dog, clean up from breakfast while simultaneously juggling a few client calls, checking email and responding to inquiries.

Without a doubt, our rituals have developed and evolved over time…as my children grow older, our routines expand to embrace their contributions as well. I try to be consistent from day to day, because the more the routine is predictable, the more my children cooperate. Yes, I still struggle to get us all fed, dressed, organized and out the door on time every morning. But I wouldn’t trade our morning rituals, the smiles, the grins, and yes, even the tears for anything. Well, perhaps I’d trade the tears.