One of the biggest challenges for parents working to improve their child’s sleep is understanding the concept of self-soothing. Almost every client says to me “I understand that I am supposed to teach my child to self-soothe, but HOW do I do that?” I always explain to my clients that the answer to teaching a child to self-soothe lies in the “Hierarchy of Soothing.”
The Hierarchy of Soothing is just a series of stepping stones, taking us through the foundation skills for self-soothing. The most we can do for our child is to hold and feed him/her to sleep; this anchor step is about teaching a child how to be comforted and soothed and feel safe The next step along the path to self-soothing is learning to fall asleep in arms without being fed to sleep. One step removed from being held in arms is being held/comforted through externals supports (often motion), such as a swing, stroller, car seat, bouncy seat, or rocker. This step allows a child to feel comforted and lulled, much in the same way as being in a parent’s arms, but it begins to remove the direct dependence on a parent for this soothing. Graduating upwards is reliance on only touch, voice and proximity for soothing (no external supports such as motion or cradling). As we move up the hierarchy, we begin to reduce reliance on touch and transition our children to comfort through our voice and proximity. The penultimate step is to reduce proximity, using only our voice to calm or soothe our children. Finally, we reduce the reliance on our voice for support, and we have achieved self-soothing!
When I talk about sleep training, what I mean is moving up the steps that comprise the hierarchy of self-soothing to improve sleep habits. The pace with which we travel up the steps towards self-soothing is not what is important, or the exact method we use to get there. What is important is that we pick a pace that resonates with our personal parenting philosophy, suits our child’s age and temperament, and achieves the changes with a speed/urgency that matches our needs. For some parents, that means picking a technique that jumps a few stages of soothing at a quick and deliberate pace, while for others, that means a slow and gradual process, one step at a time. Making and consistently implementing decisions that steadily move up the hierarchy of soothing will ultimately lead to improved sleep habits.
The earlier we begin working with children on building the foundation steps for self-soothing, the easier the process will be. A child who is slowly introduced to each of the steps along the hierarchy from infancy will naturally learn to self-soothe. For older children, we may need to guide them through these steps, and help them adjust to breaking old habits and adapting to new ones. Along the way, children begin to develop their own ways to self-soothe. They will sing or hum or coo or chat or pat themselves on the bottom or rock or kick or suck fingers or pacifiers. As we reduce what we do for our children, we give them room to figure out what they can do to soothe themselves.
The hierarchy of soothing also helps us understand how far we need to travel with our child to achieve self-soothing. A child who is held and fed for every sleep has more steps and skills to learn than a child who simply needs a parent’s presence to fall asleep. I encourage parents who are not yet sure they are ready to make big changes to make small changes, one step at a time. Be cognizant of the hierarchy, and always try to make choices that bring a child closer to self-soothing!