Today is Mother’s Day…and the grief I am feeling is just palpable. Especially today, I am missing my mother so much. It is not only my first Mother’s Day without my mother, but Mother’s Day last year was the last truly good day we all had together. Not that we didn’t continue to have happy times, but it was two weeks later, on Memorial Day, that my mother was hospitalized for the first time. Even though it was another three months (to the day) before we got a diagnosis, my mother never felt right after her hospitalization, and every time we were together, we were always worried about her. I know it is a day I should focus on the joy of being a mother, to remember the wonderful times I did share, and to count my blessing for having the time I did with such an amazing mother, one who showed me how to love and care for my own children by her example.
Last year, we decided to all descend on my parents’ house to cook brunch to celebrate Mother’s Day. It was a gorgeous day outside, and filled with tons of laughter and joy inside. I was 34 weeks pregnant with Maya, and it was just a truly happy day, no cancer cloud or fear of loss hanging over our heads. We had omelettes, waffles, fresh fruit, juice, and home fried potatoes. Jeremy and Elliot did most of the cooking, and we all sat together, laughing in the dining room as we ate brunch together and made a lot of noise. My mother commented on how much she loved spending the day with all of us like that, and what a perfect Mother’s Day it was.
For some reason…maybe the beautiful weather, or the fact that we so rarely managed to take pictures of the whole “gang” together, or perhaps to honor Mom’s desire to change her background photo on her computer at work to a picture of her with all of her grandchildren, we decided to take everyone outside and snap some photos…first of Mom with her grandchildren, then with the three moms and our kids. In hindsight, I realize that Jeremy was missing from that photo…we still didn’t get that photo of all the moms with all of their children. Nevertheless, the pictures came out beautifully. In an odd twist of events, I didn’t see my mother much in those next two weeks…she was feeling very tired, and she canceled plans to babysit Micah and to meet me for errands a few times. So, that really was our last day together before the cancer struck.
Despite the sadness coloring this day, it was a good Mother’s Day. It was the first time Micah told me “Happy Mommy’s Day.” We decided to spend the holiday together again, as we have for so many years, with my brother, sister-in-law and my nieces. It was different, but we did have a wonderful meal. I decided to make blintzes – it seemed like the perfect brunch food.
I ended the day with a trip to cemetery to see my mom. I went alone, needing to be in solace with her, the very first time I was visiting her grave. I just didn’t feel it was Mother’s Day without her. I have to say, it was a gorgeous day, and the grounds of the cemetery are beautiful. I spoke quietly to my mother, apologized for taking so long to come visit, and promised to return again with the children. It was a hard day…
Today, I will try to focus on the joy my children bring to me, and be thankful that I had such a wonderful mother. Today, I will honor her memory, and the incredible relationship I shared with her. Today, I will promise to try and be as good a mother to my children, and hope one day, they, too, value our relationship as much as I have mine with my mother. I love you, Mom, and I miss you.