Waiting

No real updates…but for some reason, I feel compelled to write. Maybe it is because I don’t exactly know what to do with myself, and maybe it is because I suspect so many of you are out there sitting on edge, waiting and wondering, too. It helps, knowing that people out there care.

Today would have been a typical day in the household…if not for the fact we are waiting. Maya actually slept in her crib last night (well, in the car seat in her crib). She woke up around 8:00 am, and I grabbed her to bring her into bed to nurse. Actually, when I walked into her room, my heart stopped for a moment…she was jammed in the bottom of the bundle me, out of her car seat and caught between the car seat and the crib. All of the horror stories about children dying of strangulation in their cribs flashed through my mind, and I raced over to make sure she was okay. There she was, smiling and cooing, and doing just fine. Naturally, my next set of thoughts were ways to kill Elliot, especially since I’d asked him before he put her in the crib if she was buckled into the seat.

I took Maya back to the bedroom and decided to kill Elliot later. Mom was sleeping peacefully. I nursed Maya, and heard Micah wake up. I went in to wake Elliot, yell at him about the car seat (he claims he misunderstood and thought strapping her into the seat was more dangerous), and ask him to help with the kids.

Our morning was fairly run-of-the mill – Micah threw cereal on the floor, Maya dozed on the bed after nursing, and I gave Mom her medications and moved her a bit. I needed to do a few things to get ready for the day, so I asked Elliot to sit with Maya while I went about my business.

I cleaned a few things, did some organizing, got dressed, answered some calls, and made appointments with the hospice caregivers. My Dad was out running errands while Elliot napped with Maya. Jill and Paul Levine came by this morning to bring some turkey soup. We haven’t tried it yet, but Elliot is planning to eat it for lunch tomorrow. Thank you so much for thinking of us and coming by to visit.

The social worker arrived next. She was quite kind and helpful, and she talked about the different family resources hospice provides. My father arrived home during our meeting and joined us. She stayed for about an hour, and then she left. A short while later, the nurse from hospice came to see my mother. This nurse was a bit…cold. She did not talk to Mom at all before touching her, but she did try to provide us with some helpful information. While she was wrapping up, the home health aide arrived to give Mom a bath. She took care of Mom, helped reposition her, and then she left.

We had a quiet afternoon. My friend Laurie came over and brought lunch (bagels, tuna, egg salad) and then we went for a walk. When we returned, everyone was napping! Laurie left, and I tried to take advantage of the quiet…but of course the kids woke up a few minutes later. I played with the kids and tried to get a few things done around the house. I went in to spend time with my mother, too.

In the late afternoon, Sheila, Les, Suzette, Joel, Robin and Elaine arrived. We all sat and chatted a bit, and the ladies got to work helping me clean up the kitchen. I have to say, their help was amazing! We can find things in the drawers, the kitchen table is finally cleared off, I have counter space again (although I still hope to clear off a few more things), and my life is feeling a bit more ordered. I truly hate all the chaos in the house, and really just need a few days to put everything in order.

While they were helping, my friend Benita brought over dinner – spinach salad, split pea soup, and macaroni and cheese. Benita is a friend from the past…I met her when I was in 9th grade at a BBYO convention. I was a member of a failing chapter, and we were thinking of folding the chapter and either joining another one…or just dropping out of BBYO. I sat at her table at lunch (and today, I actually found out it was no accident). I had no idea that she was the Regional President. We just talked…and next thing you know, I’m deciding to become chapter president and rebuild it. That night, at an event called “Lifetime,” the senior girls who held office on the council/regional level were honored. They talk about their time in BBYO, tell stories, but most importantly, they give a twig representing their past to someone who got them started, a twig representing their present to the people most influencing their present, and a twig representing their future to someone they believe will go far in BBYO. Benita gave me her future that night…and it changed the course of BBYO for me. I ran for President of my chapter, rebuilt it into one of the strongest chapters in the council, and then later became the DC Council Vice President and President. I can directly thank Benita for inspiring all of that, and it made a huge difference in my life. When I gave DC Council life 3 years later, I gave my past to Benita…even though she wasn’t there to receive it. Over the years, we’ve run into each other on and off, but we never really kept in touch through any regular means. She always meant a lot to me…just the mention of her name could bring a smile to my face. I think we all have people like that in our lives…someone that just means something to us. Through Facebook, Benita and I reconnected. We comment on each others’ statuses, we have exchanged notes, and today, Benita brought food and support to comfort me through a difficult time. Benita, I cannot even begin to tell you how much that means to me…and how much your friendship has influenced my life. So, thank you. I look forward to getting reacquainted with you.

Suzette, Sheila and Elaine served us dinner at 6:00, and it was a wonderful dinner. By 7:00, they all said their goodbyes and headed out for dinner together. After dinner, my father watched tv downstairs for a bit. Around 8:15, we started the process of putting the kids to sleep. Elliot took care of Micah, and my father helped me bathe Maya. I nursed her to sleep, and then I tried to transfer her into her crib. Naturally, the screaming ensued. I’m getting so frustrated that Maya won’t sleep on her own anymore. I’m really hating this phase, and I do not know how to break her of the habit.