Once again…a reminder that there is also another post from my mother below!
Family is a very strange thing. Growing up, I always thought my mother had such a huge family. She had tons of aunts and uncles and cousins – so many second and third and fourth cousins that sometimes she wasn’t even sure exactly HOW they were all related to her! Like every family, they had that one cousin that no one would claim – she was always described by everyone as YOUR cousin.
Over the years we went up to Scranton to visit my grandparents, I remember always being amazed by how we seemed to be related to everyone. I knew so many members of my mother’s family, even though I rarely saw most of them outside of special occasions, like birthdays, bar/bat mitzvahs, and funerals. My grandmother’s family seemed larger to me than my grandfather’s family. My grandmother had two distinct parts of her family – the Smith line (her father’s family) and the Kabatchnik line (her mother’s family). I only knew a small portion of my grandfather’s family, and all of them were Browns. Ironically, some of my strongest family memories relate to the Brown portion of my mother’s family.
What amazes me most, however, is how some family members are people you only see for snapshots in time…a family holiday once every few years, a birthday party, or a major life event. Nevertheless, these family members forever make an impression in our minds and hearts. Tonight, I was thinking and reminiscing about family with my cousin, Francine. Francine’s grandmother, Hilda, and my grandmother were sisters. Hilda and my grandmother were 15 years apart in age…which meant that my mother was approximately 15 years younger than Hilda’s children (Murray and Barbara), and I was a good 15 years younger than Murray and Barbara’s children. Francine is Murray’s daughter, and Francine, Murray and Gracy are perfect examples of how some family members can make a huge impression in just moments of time.
By the time I was born, Francine was already an adult. I really only saw her and her parents, Murray and Gracy, when they were visiting Hilda at times I happened to be visiting my grandmother. If I added up all the visits with them, it probably wasn’t a particularly large number. And yet, I have such strong and vivid memories of my times with them. Perhaps some of it was the fact that my mom adored her cousin Murray (and his wife Gracy), and somehow, that transferred to me, too. I loved Murray’s mustache – he had this huge, thick, handlebar mustache that looked like it belonged in another era.
I remember Francine as a younger adult, with very long hair that she wore hanging in two thick braids. Francine was always doing something fabulous…living overseas, working in refugee camps, traveling around Asia, studying peace in graduate school in Hawaii. I loved hearing updates about Francine and seeing photos from my Great Aunt Hilda whenever I came to visit. When my grandfather died, my grandmother took a cruise around Asia – and she met up with Francine, Murray and Gracy (in Bangkok, I believe). I loved hearing all of those stories and seeing the photos.
I remember being so thrilled when Francine “finally” decided to return to the states and “settle down” right here in DC. She was always such an exciting person to me and I loved the idea that we would get to know each other and become close. I was even more excited when I learned her father, Murray, would be moving to DC, too. For many years, we spent time together, but as my grandmother’s dementia set in and Murray’s MS worsened, we all just sort of drifted apart. I think when my grandmother’s dementia set in, my mom pulled away from a lot of the family – it was just too hard.
I find it interesting how family relationships change with time. Some family members float in and out of our lives. Sometimes, we hold everyone close, and at other times, we have a way of losing track of relatives. Over the years, my mother’s family has slowly passed away and drifted apart. Now, it is my father’s family that seems to be the predominant presence in our lives – many of whom I never met until I became an adult.
But, in times of great sadness, families sometimes have a way of rebuilding. At my mother’s request, I have been reaching out and finding some of her “long-lost” family members over the past month – an attempt to reconnect with them. Ironically, Francine and I found each other a few months back (before all of this happened) on Facebook…just before her father, Murray, died. I learned about Murray’s death through Facebook…and I was so sad that we did not have the opportunity to re-establish our relationship before he died. My mother, father, Elliot, Micah and I went to Murray’s “Jewish wake” – that was the first time we had seen Francine, her husband and her son in many years.
Since my mom got sick, Francine has been a huge presence in our lives – she has been supporting us with food delivery, messages of encouragement, and incredible tips and gems of advice from her own experience caring for her parents. I just wanted to tell Francine thank you, again, for all you have done.
The kids were up early today, and Elliot was out the door by 9:15 for a meeting. Megan helped me get the kids fed and dressed and took Micah to Kidville for his class, and I stayed behind to take care of a few odds and ends. Around 11:30, I left for Hopkins with Maya, but first I decided to detour through Columbia to meet my friend Niki for lunch on my way out to meet my parents. On my car ride up, I had a long chat with Joey (glad to hear he is doing better after his surgery).
I arrived at Niki’s office at 12:30 as she was finishing up with a patient. Niki and her brother, Sam, are dentists and own a wonderful dental practice in Columbia (if anyone local is in need of a good dentist, I highly recommend their practice!). They recently moved into a gorgeous new office, and it was my first time visiting the space. While Niki was finishing up with her patient, Sam and I had a chance to catch up and he gave me a tour of the office.
I had a great visit with Niki, and it was a nice break before I started the day. Maya and I made it to Hopkins a little after 2, and much to my surprise, my mother was already finished with radiation! The parking attendants were kind and let me double park my car in front while we sat and waited for the wheelchair transport with my mom. It was a long wait – a full hour! During that time, I read the blog to my mom, I lotioned her arm and her head, and we had a chance to just catch up a bit while my father wandered around with Maya.
Today was a good day for mom. When we returned to Levindale, she showed me her mail from the day – she had received several cards from rehab staff at Hopkins! She was so touched that they were thinking about her…there were notes from all of her nurses (including Philadelphia, Jeanette, Janell, Ed and Donna), and all of the PT and OT staff, too. My mom hasn’t forgotten any of you, and we think of all of you often, too. Ed, if you are reading this – we had QUITE a laugh over your note. Many of you may remember that my mom kept telling Ed that he was like the last guy in the circus parade, who got stuck walking behind the elephant and cleaning up shit. Well, Ed’s note said that the circus just isn’t the same without the elephant. So, Ed, know that the “elephant” misses you, too.
My father left on the early side so I could spend time with my mother. I also had another surprise for my mother – her talking watch arrived! I had set it up and I put it on her wrist and taught her how to use it. Hopefully, the watch will help her keep oriented on time and date. We also had gotten a crochet tool that should help my mother hold the yarn when she tries to crochet again. We are hoping it allows her to work on projects again, but we shall see.
Jeremy arrived a little after 4, and he stayed with us through dinner, focusing on mom while I nursed Maya. Once again, we all left around 6. On my way home, I got an update on Della (she is out of the hospital and in rehab). Mom called again at 9:00 tonight to tell me things were going well. I hope the rest of her night is just as good.
This evening, Francine brought over Murray’s wheelchair van for us to borrow to use with my mother. I cannot even begin to express what that means to us. It will give us a freedom that relying on wheelchair transports just cannot do. It made me realize the importance of family, yet again. Even when time passes, and even when we drift in and out of each other’s lives, family has a way of becoming a touchstone, a rock, in the presence of great adversity.
Tonight, Francine and I got to know each other, as adults who now have a common connection. We caught each other up a bit on our lives, but we mostly reminisced and focused on our memories. Francine told me that when she was a child, she used to think my mom was “cool.” I found that ironic, since I always thought of Francine as “cool” when I was a child, with her world-traveling. I told Francine some of my memories of her, Murray and Gracy, including the night that Murray stayed up all night with us after Jeremy’s bar mitzvah, telling us stories (while we plied him with whiskey).
I drove Francine home, and had a chance to go inside and spend some time with her husband, too. Francine shared with me a plaque that Hilda had gotten when she was a participant in the Pillsbury Bake-Off, and sitting in her living room was a piece of Hilda’s furniture that I remember from my childhood. It is sad that from such a large family, there are very few of us left. Most of all, I guess I am glad that Francine is back in our lives again, and I hope that this time, we manage to stay in each other’s lives.
Tomorrow, we have a meeting with the nurses at 11:00 am. We hope they will have worked out a solution to my mom’s lift issue and finally start to bring my mom some relief. I hope to do the “early shift” with my mom tomorrow – I’ll leave here around 9:30 or 10, and I hope to be heading back home by 3.
Many of you have noticed that we have not posted any new pictures recently. This blog only allows a maximum of 51 photos at a time, and we have now hit our limit. I’m working on the problem – there are so many more pictures (and videos) I’d like to post. I hope to work that out soon.