I’m angry………I am angry about a lot of this shit to be perfectly frank. I am angry that no matter what the outcome is, I’ll never have my mother back the way I have known her all my life. I am angry that she’ll never know my kids the way I needed her to…they way THEY needed her to. But the funny thing about all of this is the fact that I am accepting of it. Not because I don’t want her to fight, quite the opposite. It’s more like I am accepting of it because it just further proves my assumptions over the years to be true. “God” doesn’t exist….never has. “God” shouldn’t do this to good people. I don’t want to hear the faith bullshit arguments, quite frankly anyone who feels that way is more than welcome to their beliefs, just keep it to yourself. I believe that my mother will one day return the universe in some capacity and I believe she will always be with me. You better believe that in times of crisis or joy, I’ll be thinking about her and what she would say, and I will need that. But right now….I am still fucking angry. I have seen the worst of the worst that this planet has to offer in regards to human beings and there are those that will live to be in their 90’s with absolutetely nothing to offer the planet, but you look at my mom……….the woman who sacrificed everything so this douche right here could have anything his spoiled ass desired……and she is going to have her life cut short. It just doesn’t seem fair. Well, it’s completely ironic that is was mom who always told me that “life isn’t fair….get used to it”
Inherintely, I don’t know that I have ever been a “good person” per se…but Mom made me one. She made me see the good in people when it probably wasn’t there, she made me rise above situations that I wanted to sink to the bottom of, she made me wear my heart on my sleeve when I wanted to bottle it up away from the world. See, it was mom who made me feel like I was worthwhile, it was mom who made me see the person I could be, the person I should be, rather than the person I was. IT was mom that made me the man I am today. Anyone who knows me knows I am tragically flawed….but regardless of these flaws, at my core, I am a loving/caring/compassionate individual. For that, I thank mom.
I think the thing that upsets me the most about all of this (aside from the obvious terrible sights and thoughts) is the fact that I know that I no longer need her. Let me clarify because it might not seem this way, but that is a giant compliment to both my mom and my dad. You see, as a parent, I think there is only a few things that you really need to do for a child–Love it, nurture it, teach it, feed it, etc etc etc….but in all of that, there is really only one end goal–To create a being that is capable of no longer needing you–to be a productive, caring, compassionate member of society. Well, mom and dad….you’ve done just that and to be honest, it makes me sad. It makes me sad because I know that I am going to be ok, I know that this too shall pass, and I know that, in reality, I don’t “need” her anymore. I just really really really want her. At some point in your life your parents stop being “parents” and become friends/confidants and that’s what mom has become to me. A friend, a valued confidant, and someone who is very much wanted in my life. But, I don’t know when….but I am going to lose that much sooner than I ever expected.
I get it……….I really do……….but I am NOT ok with it………and I am ANGRY at the fact that she has to face this. She deserves better, our family deserves better.
After all of the anger dissolves, and all of the despair retreats, I know all I will feel is emptiness, and at that moment, I will want all of that anger and despair back. Nothing is worse than feeling empty.
I love my mom and I am heartbroken that she has to take this on. I am heartbroken that for as much hope as I want to hold, I don’t kid myself into believing that a miracle is going to happen. I could be wrong, and I would love to be incorrect here, but I just don’t belie I am….and THAT, is more than upsetting, it’s downright terrible. That said, she still had the shitty attitude that I personally find loveable and one that helps explain me every day of my life. She’s still got her snarky commentary and I see glimpses of one of my favorite people still. I want to believe….I want so badly to believe…..but I can’t get my heart broken again, I don’t think I am strong enough to.
This sucks……..and I don’t know when (if at all) it will stop sucking. I miss her already, and she isn’t even gone. How terrible am I, don’t answer that because I already know.
I love you mom, and I promise I will never stop making your proud of me, no matter what. I am lucky for what we have shared, what we will hopefully still share, and the memories I will never allow to leave my mind and will hopefully share as lessons to my children and my nieces/nephews.